azairajinisa: Aspie or abusive relationship?

What do you think?

Aspie	?33%?	[ 4 ]
Abuser	?25%?	[ 3 ]
Normal immature guy	?41%?	[ 5 ]

Total Votes : 12

ilwna
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Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 1:44 pm?? ?Post subject: Aspie or abusive relationship?

I am wondering if my friend has Asperger's. Well, he's a little bit more than a friend. We met in highschool and he seemed really socially awkward and "weird". All the other girls in our class we kind of disgusted by him, but I was intrigued by him. They would tell me that since he's so quiet he's probably a serial killer. But I'm just as quiet so wouldn't I also be a serial killer? That logic doesn't make sense to me. I started to develop a crush on him but eventually started to talk to him. We also started to talk online and he seemed much more talkative than in person. He mostly likes to talk about video games, history, technology, spirituality and existence. He has a dark sense of humor that verges on being cruel. The way we started talking online was that we had each other as friends on Myspace, and I decided to put my aim on my profile to see if he would talk to me. Not long after I put it, I got a message from an unknown sender. I asked how they were and they said I had to guess. I asked how they looked and they said "Tall, dark and handsome". I guessed that it was him but he denied it. Then after a while he finally admitted it was him. We talked for online for several hours at a time, sometimes into the night. I mentioned Asperger's to him and he asked what the symptoms were. He said it sounded like him. I told him that I was diagnosed with "traits of Asperger's" and how I hated the feeling of sand. He later said that he didn't think he had it because he wasn't afraid of normal things like sand. He gets defensive when called shy or a geek. I tend to call myself a geek because I am proud to be one. So maybe he doesn't want to be thought of as a geek, or was bullied in the past. He uses long words but has trouble with spelling. He is very good at History but has trouble with math. When we talked online, we would sometimes get into disagreements over stupid things, but we would always come back to each other. I really liked him, and thought he liked me. So I told him I liked him and he said he knew but that he had a girlfriend. He was kinda vague about it, that it was complicated. His relationship status was always "Single". So I felt really bad about it, like he was just stringing me along as an ego boost, so I blocked him and didn't talk to him until next school year. He acted really nice, and I just kinda ignored him. He said I was being awfully quiet and I snapped at him, saying I was busy. We didn't talk much after that. A little while after graduation I found his profile while randomly browsing a dating website. We started talking again just like old friends. Out of the blue he asked me if I wanted a physical relationship. And I said you mean like friends with benefits? And he said kinda. I wasn't really sure if it was a good idea, knowing that I had had feelings for him in the past and they would probably return. I called him to tell him no, but he convinced me and we ended up having sex. He didn't want to be touched and really hates being tickled. He didn't attempt to kiss, cuddle or anything. I felt used. He also didn't seem to care if I was "enjoying myself". It was not like rape, but it felt like he didn't care about me or my pleasure. After researching how males with Asperger's behave in relationships, I realized that he may have been very confused, scared or overstimulated. Or have no idea what he was supposed to be doing.The first time I just went over during the day, but then he wanted me to spend the night. Most of the time we watched movies or played video games, occasionally having sex. He seemed to sort of shut down if anything emotional happened, and acted like he had no clue how to respond. If he saw me crying, he would try to make me feel better and give me compliments. After about 8 times (although we had stopped and gotten back together more than once before), I decided I couldn't do it anymore because I felt like I had feelings and he didn't. Of course, that's not how friends with benefits is supposed to work. You're not supposed to develop feelings, but I did. We didn't talk for a year and a half, but then he found me on other websites I hadn't blocked him on, and we started talking again. He didn't want to use condoms (we hadn't used them at all the other times) but I did. And I always get this vibe that he likes me, maybe even loves me, but can't express it properly. Am I just being really stupid and naive? Is this guy... An undiagnosed Aspie? A normal guy stringing me along for sex? An abuser? I am very grateful for any insight. Thank you. Last edited by ilwna on Fri Jan 11, 2013 3:55 pm; edited 1 time in total

Vitamin-K
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Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 2:06 pm?? ?Post subject:

Hey there. I'm going to be straight -- I don't know the guy but like you said he has some qualities that people with Asperger's share. If you guys are still talking, which I kinda assume you might be based on your last paragraph there, request that he get a professional diagnosis from somebody in the field of Asperger's and similar things. That way you can find out for SURE what is going on and then take action based on your own knowledge and feelings, rather than asking strangers on the internet what we think is going on. Remember, we don't know you or him. Realize I care about you and your situation though, and I'm happy you reached out to us. Sorry to send you off so fast lol. But remember, everyone here has their own opinions and they like to hold them extremely rigid so don't bet on answers here that are objective. We all have our fondnesses and interests. Mine are video games and technology for sure. But be careful not to draw those lines as Aspie traits. The only thing that I really caught on to is the part where he doesn't like to be tickled. That could be overstimulation or he could not care and just want sex. Again, it's hard to be sure without a diagnosis. :)

ShadowAspie
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BlueMax
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Ann2011
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Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2013 2:45 pm?? ?Post subject: Re: Aspie or abusive relationship?

I don't know if he has AS or not - not enough info.

FwB never works well (at least for me.) I have to have feelings about the person to have sex in the first place, so it's a non-starter.

Honestly, this guy sounds pretty typical.

ilwna wrote:

He also didn't seem to care if I was "enjoying myself". It was not like rape, but it felt like he didn't care about me or
my pleasure.

That's the way it has been for me with every man I've been with (seven in total.) I wouldn't worry about it. Whether they care or not, they're not going to have a clue about women's bodies. Best to learn to take care of yourself.

Advice: Sounds like you have a connection with this guy. That you are able to enjoy talking to him and have interests in common is a real plus. Take it for what it is and enjoy.

ilwna
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EmoGlambertAspie
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 4:20 am?? ?Post subject: Re: Aspie or abusive relationship?

Ann2011 wrote:

I don't know if he has AS or not - not enough info.

FwB never works well (at least for me.) I have to have feelings about the person to have sex in the first place, so it's a non-starter.

Honestly, this guy sounds pretty typical.

ilwna wrote:

He also didn't seem to care if I was "enjoying myself". It was not like rape, but it felt like he didn't care about me or
my pleasure.

I strongly disagree with that. There is a difference between not knowing about the body, and flat-out indifference to the girl's satisfaction. My current boyfriend had never even kissed a girl when we met and he tries his damnedest and succeeds in satisfying me when we make love. If a guy is mature and really cares about you he's gonna want to learn about the body, as mine did (it isn't rocket science!) and make you happy as much as he wants to make himself happy. Just because you had a few bad apples doesn't mean the whole orchard is spoiled!
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izzeme
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Ann2011
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 9:51 am?? ?Post subject: Re: Aspie or abusive relationship?

EmoGlambertAspie wrote:

Ann2011 wrote:

I strongly disagree with that. There is a difference between not knowing about the body, and flat-out indifference to the girl's satisfaction.

That's true . . . the outcome may be the same but the intent is significant to the person's character.

Quote:

Just because you had a few bad apples doesn't mean the whole orchard is spoiled!

I suppose so . . . my experience is limited.

Ann2011
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 9:56 am?? ?Post subject:

ilwna wrote:

More info:
*He was always asking if I was hungry/thirsty or cold/hot, telling me to wear a sweater when it's cold, and reminding me not to get distracted from school if I started to hang out with him again (I was starting college again after a break).

That's sweet. It seems to indicate that he does care about you.

Quote:

*He said we could be exclusive friends with benefits.

I think that means boyfriend/girfriend

Quote:

*He smokes weed, and one time he tried to give me a "shotgun" (blow smoke into my mouth) but when his face got close to me I froze up because I had never been kissed before. He got kind of sad after that and said something like I guess I shouldn't keep trying or you won't like me anymore.

This could have been his way of trying to kiss you for the first time.

I like the sound of this guy. I think you should enjoy his company.

What specifically makes you feel that he is abusive?

ilwna
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 11:01 am?? ?Post subject:

My mom, sister and friend say that he is because they notice changes in me when I hang out with him a lot. I do tend to feel drained and rejected or as if he doesn't care about my feelings, which to the uninformed, sounds like abuse. At first, I agreed with them, but then I started to think that it was more feelings of frustration from misunderstanding him. I have never had a relationship, so mostly I go by what others say, but they say you have to let a guy chase you, and that if he wasn't touching me or kissing me then he didn't love me. The main reason I made this thread is because I love him, and seek to understand him better. I know that i'm also not the easiest person to deal with. I think I am an intelligent NT with social anxiety, so I have some traits of AS. But i'm much more emotional and crave affection. I understand that if I have a relationship with him, it's going to be perhaps more difficult than with a "normal" guy. But I think once I learn how to communicate with him properly, we can learn from each other and have a good relationship. In the past 3 weeks or so, I have probably been beyond confusing for the poor guy. I have blocked him an unblocked him a bunch of times, and sent him a lot of mixed messages. At first I told him that I was done with him because he was just trying to manipulate me into unsafe sex and that he didn't deserve me. Then I told him that I have feelings and he doesn't so it has to end. Then I told him that I think my feelings are more like lust and I'm just really confused with everything. He didn't reply to any of that. He came online and said that he was busy dealing with Christmas stuff. I waited a little bit but he never comes online anymore, he comes on as invisible. So I'm going crazy feeling like he's ignoring me, asking him if he enjoys breaking girl's hearts, I said other bad things that I didn't mean. I had found out that he had found my deviantart art account, he made the account in Oct, sent me messages in Nov, and when that didn't work found me on youtube to send me messages. Only the youtube notifies me by email, so I didn't know about the others until recently. I told him that I thought he just wanted sex from me, but now that I found this stuff out, I'm not sure anymore. I asked him what did he want from me? I told him that it was creepy and was starting to freak me out a little. I said that normally I'd feel guilty saying this kind of stuff but that he had hurt me so much that I felt justified. Then I said I had a headache and that I think I'll blame you, it's fun blaming you. Then I asked him if he was in love with me. And I said maybe i'm in love with you too. I told him not to be scared of his feelings, or me. Just tell me. During this time he appeared to be offline. He still didn't reply. By this time I was feeling so confused, did I hate him or love him, had I hurt him or did he not care? He might be really busy right now, or maybe he's just not replying because he's waiting for me to calm down a bit. So I decided that I should just let him go. And I sent him a message telling him that if he only wanted sex with me, he should move on. That I was a different girl now, and when we had sex I was very emotionally vulnerable and that it was a mistake. But that I enjoyed hanging out with him and being his friend. That I had problems that couldn't be solved with sex or a boyfriend, and that I needed to love myself before I could love others. That until I got help for my perfectionism, he nor anyone else would be good enough for me. I apologized for hurting him, and thanked him for putting up with me for this long. I thanked hi for being my friend. This was a few days ago and he still hasn't replied. It's driving me absolutely nuts. And I don't mean any of it! And now I know I have to be direct with him, because I probably sound like the craziest girl ever. I just really want to start over with him but now I'm afraid it's too late. He still hasn't replied. He doesn't even give me any indication that he has received my messages. I asked him if he had received my messages. And that I really wanted to talk to him about it, and was he mad at me. No response. Do you think I completely overstimulated him with all this emotion? Maybe i'm too immature to be in a relationship? I don't know what to do. Last edited by ilwna on Sat Jan 12, 2013 11:23 am; edited 1 time in total

Ann2011
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 11:21 am?? ?Post subject:

ilwna wrote:

I do tend to feel drained and rejected or as if he doesn't care about my feelings. . .

It might be worth finding out if these feelings are justified. If he is autistic this might impair his communication abilities and this can be very draining to deal with. If he does care, but just doesn't show it, then you have to decide if it's something you can put up with. If he just doesn't care then he's probably not worth bothering with.

Quote:

. . . but they say you have to let a guy chase you, and that if he wasn't touching me or kissing me then he didn't love me.

That's just silly.

Quote:

The main reason I made this thread is because I love him, and seek to understand him better. . . But i'm much more emotional and crave affection.

Love is important and can see you through many difficulties in a relationship. But if he's not able to meet your emotional needs (and if he's autistic, this might not change) you have to decide if it's a something you can deal with.

Quote:

. . . we can learn from each other and have a good relationship.

As long as you are both learning and trying to understand each other and it's not one-sided, I think you have the potential for a good relationship with this guy.

hyperlexian
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 1:11 pm?? ?Post subject:

just a couple of questions... when he sent the messages to you after you "broke up" with him, what was the general content, i.e. what was he saying to you? was it more like "hey, how's it going?" or "i miss you"? also, at the peak period of your exclusive sex/FWB thing, how much time did you spend together? i wondered this because he seems quite skilled at manipulation, so i have a vague lingering doubt you are the only 'iron in his fire', so to speak. ok, i am going to be kind of blunt. i was saying that he seems skilled at manipulation because he has proven capable of getting exactly what he wants from you, time and again, and he is fully satisfied with that. he has your undivided love and attention and affection and (unprotected) sex. but you are left scrambling for the crumbs of his attention, starved for affection, getting crappy sex. he has made it clear he is not interested in a relationship. you decided to give him what he wants anyways, while sacrificing your own desires. nothing is likely to change about his feelings at this point - he just knows that he can manipulate you again. you're a known quantity and he knows how to push your buttons. your family and friends saw a bad change in you. that's up to you if you want to heed their advice or ignore it. i don't know if he qualifies as an abuser or not based on the information provided, but it doesn't sound like he is interested in anything romantic with you. so allowing yourself to have any contact with him at all is sort of permitting yourself to get drawn back into his little machinations. _________________ heeheehee

Chloe33
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 1:48 pm?? ?Post subject: Re: Aspie or abusive relationship?

ilwna wrote:

I am wondering if my friend has Asperger's. Well, he's a little bit more than a friend. We met in highschool and he seemed really socially awkward and "weird". All the other girls in our class we kind of disgusted by him, but I was intrigued by him. They would tell me that since he's so quiet he's probably a serial killer. But I'm just as quiet so wouldn't I also be a serial killer? That logic doesn't make sense to me.

That is the worst logic ever, just because he's quiet they think he's Dexter Morgan? Of course TV gives them the impression that all serial killers must be quiet since Dexter is. Agh thanks to a stereotype of a tv show character. I like the Dexter show,too.

ilwna wrote:

I wasn't really sure if it was a good idea, knowing that I had had feelings for him in the past and they would probably return. I called him to tell him no, but he convinced me and we ended up having sex. He didn't want to be touched and really hates being tickled. He didn't attempt to kiss, cuddle or anything. I felt used. He also didn't seem to care if I was "enjoying myself". It was not like rape, but it felt like he didn't care about me or my pleasure.
After researching how males with Asperger's behave in relationships, I realized that he may have been very confused, scared or overstimulated. Or have no idea what he was supposed to be doing.The first time I just went over during the day, but then he wanted me to spend the night.
Most of the time we watched movies or played video games, occasionally having sex. He seemed to sort of shut down if anything emotional happened, and acted like he had no clue how to respond. If he saw me crying, he would try to make me feel better and give me compliments.

He definitely needs to see a psychologist to sort through his issues.
Some people don't know how to respond to an emotional situation and they shut down. These people aren't always on the spectrum and maybe aren't typical NTs, maybe some are NTs or on spectrum, it seems to be a universal thing.

I know of various circumstances in which an emotional type situation happened and the person did not know how to react.

A little girl smashes her younger sister's finger with a rock and it's bleeding they have to go to the hospital; dad takes the car and takes off, he can't handle.

A girl was hysterical freaking out at a summer cabin area looking for her friend, and he had no idea how to handle her emotional overload it took him a good half hour to get to inside the cabin to talk to her.

Both of these situations, the person didn't mean any harm, they just really had no idea how to deal.

Only a professional can diagnose your bf, however do you know what his childhood was like? Did he have a good childhood; a bad one?

Also, he keeps finding you on different websites, maybe it's possible he really is obsessed with you or really does love you.

The question is can he tell the difference between obsession and love?

His not wanting to use condoms is disturbing, as if you had gotten pregnant, it could have been a way to "trap" you to him via baby.
I do not understand at all how he could be so uncaring in bed, that is so rude! I would have told him where it was at then and there and if he didn't like it he wouldn't get laid!

I can't vote this one, they don't have the option for i don't know or possibly just asocial. Maybe he's just asocial.
He could have developed some type of sick obsession with you so be careful.
Don't be afraid to speak your mind to him. If you aren't enjoying something or aren't comfortable, let him know!

ilwna
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